An Open Letter to..... (December 4, 1998)

Dear Mother Goose,

I am writing to tell you that you got it wrong. Not all wrong, but significantly incorrect. Unfortunately, the damage has already been to done to an entire culture, and as a result, I am suffering. It is humiliating to be corrected on something that I know is right. Is it my fault millions of people are nursery rhyme lemmings, and accept what is fed them blindly.

I hope my mention of lemmings hasn't frightened you. Nevertheless, let me tell you how it truly goes. It's like this:

Hey Diddle Diddle
the cat and the fiddle,
the cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
to see such fun
and the dish ran away with the fork.

Yes, I know, everyone thinks the dish ran away with the spoon, but only because it rhymes. Quite convenient for Mr. Fork, wouldn't you say? He and the dish had it all planned out. "Everyone will blame the spoon, just because it rhymes."

Ha! Mother Goose, you can't fool me. I realize you're probably in on this conspiracy. But now, when anyone sings this song, I insist on the RIGHT way. Just the other night, my grandma was trying to sing it the old Warren Commission way, but I held my hand over her mouth and yelled FORK! I think she understands now.

By the way, I know where the spoon is buried. Send me one million dollars and your secret's safe with me (and my family, of course). Otherwise, I tell the cops. Need I remind you, Mother Goose, what some people like to eat during the holidays?

Sincerely,

Jolee Pauline Lineka Cohen


Jeff Thorsen replied:

Sorry, old chum.....

The little dog laughed to see such SPORT



-jt

Snow! (December 1998)

Jolee woke up a bit grumpy this morning, until Melanie pointed out the fresh blanket of snow outside. Then, Jolee had to show everyone the snow, especially her new Teletubby Laa-Laa doll and a Simba stuffed animal the landlords gave her last night.

Have a happy holiday weekend!

Holiday weekend (December 1998)

Well, what didn't Jolee do?

There was snow to play with on Christmas, but not enough to really roll around in. Most of Jolee's snowplay involved riding on my shoulders and knocking the snow off of the roofs of large parked cars and minivans. Most of this snow ended up in my face.

On Saturday we all saw A Bug's Life, or in the language of Jolee, Buggies. She did enjoy the movie, even though it interfered with her naptime and she ended up falling asleep briefly while riding on my shoulders on the way home.

Jolee's latest trick is infiltrating Melanie's office, grabbing a handful of Vanity Fair promotional chapsticks, lining them up on the nearest flat surface, singing "Happy Birthday to you!" and then, blowing them out like candles. Quite imaginative.

Christmas Eve, Jolee also revealed to us (visiting Godmother Brenda included), that she knows the song "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and even swings an imaginary bat after "one! two! three strikes your out!". As of this date, we still don't know where she learned this, though it's possible, in this family, thaat it's in the genes.

Daddy's Little Helper (December 1998)

On Friday, both Melanie and I picked Jolee up early, excited by the prospect that Jolee would be thrilled to see the ground covered with several inches of snow, with flakes still falling from the sky.

Jolee, however, was not impressed, and insisted that I carry her home. Nevertheless, our front yard was blanketed with snow, and we spent a good hour, playing about. This consisted mostly of Jolee standing around telling me to throw snow at Melanie, and vice-versa, and subsequently laughing hysterically whenever a direct hit was scored.

Then, I went back into the apartment, into our landlord's garage and located their snow shovel, so I could help shovel the sidewalk and driveway. I started working away when I noticed Jolee helping. She had gone into the garage with Zuzu, the woman looking after our landlord's elderly father, and returned with a dustpan, which she used to help shovel the snow.

The only problem was that Jolee was using her dustpan to collect snow I had already shovelled to the curb, and was returning it to the front yard. Everyone had fun, I got some exercise, and the landlords were thrilled when they got home, although they didn't say anything about reducing our rent. Oh well.

They Call This Family Hour? OR Things You Don't Want Your Children To Say (December 1998)

Bless NBC and Must-See-TV this holiday season.

Last night, among millions of other Americans, we watched the TV show "Friends." For those of you who missed it, at one point, the character playing Joey Tribiani is commiserating with his agent about losing a part to Talia Shire. Joey hasn't had a good acting gig in a long time and whines about this. His agent says (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Well, there's always......" "What?" interjects Joey. The agent pauses for comic effect and blurts out "GAY PORN!"

Without missing a beat, our beautiful, innocent two-year old daughter, who's not even really watching, lifts her head and says "Gay Porn". Melanie and I looked at each other, caught somewhere bewteen laughter and horror. Fortunately, someone on the show said "Merry Christmas!" and Jolee replied in kind.

When faced with the prospect of chronicling this moment, I chose to include it, as it will undoubtedly be one of those stories we tell to embarass her when she is older (MUCH older) in life.

Have a great weekend!

Jolee On the Nile (December 1998)

Mommy: "See ya' later Alligator!"
Jolee: "Bye-bye Crocodi-o!"

The problem with candles. (December 1998)

People go, a little, well, kinda over-the-top with seasonal decorations. Some of the popular items include huge plastic four-foot holiday candles.
Jolee has learned that these are very difficult to blow out.

Chanukah candles, on the other hand, no problem.